I got invited by Tiff to the new year party at her house. I ended up celebrating the night with a group of strangers, 60 people crowded in the house. I brought a bottle of La Monica Montepulciano D'abruzzo and a bottle of Remy martin VSOP, and hoping that this idea would bring me a whole new perspective and experience.

It was, for the good parts, I mingled and made some new friends. Everyone's happy and drinking up. Near new year tick, we counted down and toasted with champagne. The firework was splendid. A group of us then move along to the bar. A bunch was chanting "Happy New Year" amid the rain.

But at the time, a part of my feeling was ringing hollow. The same feeling when I'm alone or feel insignificant of myself. I've been wanting to understand that feeling. Longing friends and families was just symptom of the problem, I felt there was a deeper cause to the feeling.

Missy, hsiang, T and Jacksy would have been great people for such philosophical talk if we were still at school and hang out like old days. But now we have all moved on with our life, and good times don't come around. Missy were the closest to me location-wise. Occasionally, I would went back and visit her. But lately, it's been difficult to talk to her。 Hsiang has been one great true friend to me, giving me constant support at all times. T's amazingly smart. He's one of the very first person I met at Bucknell and get to knows him better through 4 years of college together. But his mind is progressing so rapidly since then that most of the time I had this feeling that I can no longer catch up to his thoughts. Jacksy's great though he remains much of a mystic man to me still. Haha

James asked me today what I want to do in the new year. I thought of things that happened in 2006. Truthly, a lots of new changes have happened. For one thing, I will not forget my last semester at Bucknell. I spent more time socializing than I spent on class work. Clubs,Bars,House Parties, Wing nights,Basketball Nights, Champagne, study breaks, late-night dunkin, mid march Halloween party, BU after darks, and Hot Pot nights. I guess it's what we called 'senioritis'. I also met Missy last semester through one of the Hot Pot Nights.

Then comes one of biggest moments of my life, the graduation. It was harsh, seeing everyone off and saying goodbye to them for real. Some I might never see them again. I've been fearing for the coming of this day. I know that once I graduated, it won't be the same again, even when I come back to Bucknell again. It rained bad that day and we were all sitting out in the open squad. It was bad that my mind was completely occupied by the coldness. I couldn't think more. It was good? that it left a lasting impression of that day.

Summer came, I took a trip to China. The trip was absolutely remarkable. I miss China. I traveled to several of main east coast cities including Beijing, Shanghai, hangzhou, suzhou, and etc. The free will of buying and eating everything I want since everything is so cheap there, is the best among the best feelings. It was also great living in a high furnished condo that oversee the heart of the city. I hope to visit there soon again.

When I came back, I was immediately plunged into another major change, my first career. Four months into my job, I'm still feeling unease over it. I like the learnings, but I still dislike the whole notion of working. Right now, I see it more as a temporary solution until I figure out a good way to live a better life. In the meanwhile, I will work hard and focus on my learning parts. As a part of effort, I started taking night classes at Johns Hopkins, and also volunteering math tutor at Baltimore County Community College.

Alot has happened in the 2006. But what is done is gone. we now look into 2007. For 2007, I made myself two goals. I want to focus more at what I do at works and make a fame for myself, haha. And I want to learn more about myself.

I'm supposed to be visiting Bucknell tonight with several of my friends, but I ended up instead lying home with a fever. I slept another 16 hours last night. When I woke up this morning, my body was feeling weak and still burning hot.

But as bad as it is to be sick, it is probably the only time when I can totally relax and relief myself. I'm alone by myself in my own world, no disturbance from the outside world, my mind totally free. Everything needed to be deal with I'll let it be deal with in the later. In a way, it has also make time for me to pick up reading from my book collection, which I have pretty much put to dust since I find myself to have less time to do so nowaday.

The day past by quietly. Tomorrow when I wake up, it sure will be just another day, like usual.

Time flys by so quickly. It's been three weeks since I started my new rotation working with the radar group. For one thing, I have a better feel for this rotation compares with my previous one. I'm working with a better group of people, a better program, and I have a great manager. Jeff inspires me. He's very knowledgeable, hard working, has strong work ethic, and very respectful of others. Jeff reminds me of my mentor Jay at the DoD internship. Both of them made a great role model for me.

But three weeks into the program, I'm still lost as to what I'm supposed to do. That bothers me. I've been doing a lot of catchup readings. It helps but not enough to clear up my head. It's like I have every piece of puzzle at hand except for the crucial pieces that glues the whole puzzle together. Until I find those piece, it remains a puzzle to me. That cumulate alot of stresses for me lately. I'm back on struggles.

Tonight NEAT has a duckpin bowling event. I went. It helped release my stresses I supposed.

这周末请了Jim, Li, Tingting, 跟yu yang他们到家里吃火涡。 好久没有像以前那样一群人在一起聊天吃火涡， 还满开心的。 就是显然还有点慌忙， 毕竟还是第一次请朋友到家里。 他们来的前一天， 我就去了纽约唐人街买了很多海鲜火涡料理。 那天还下起了暴雨。 回来后， 又匆忙的清洗下apartment， 买了四双拖鞋跟一个枕头。 本来要做的事， 后来也没做成。

Jim他们快9点多才到， 从Bucknell开车到Baltimore要三个小时多。 他们来之前我以为把东西都准备好了。 后来Jim说芝麻油不够用， 我们又开车出去买。 10点多左右， 大家集合围着火锅开始拼命。 我还真不能小看他们， 吃起来一个比一个有干劲！ 力最聪明，一言不发在那仅吃。 哈哈。 像这吃法哪能坚持的了久啊。 我还想我们可以跟之前一样吃到天亮。 没多久，大家都吃涨了。 之后ting ting跟力回房间上网，我们三个男就在客厅里聊了起来。 时间过得真快一下子就3点多了。 后来我们又开了两瓶红酒， 弄了绿茶， 到了5点多才睡。 总觉得我们现在就有点像中国版本的reality show。 一群某人生活在同一个屋檐下，虽然是短暂的，真的很有趣的。第二天中午醒来，吃了我爱吃的汤圆跟甜心包，下午我们又吃了第二次火锅。 好开心　

这次下来，本来我还准备带他们去买东西，然后周围逛逛。 后来ting ting说paper很多要写就不想去了。 之前我们也是权过她后她才肯下来。 ting ting在用功上倒有点像当初的我。 别人都说我是杰型的nerd, 我说都是paper惹得祸！

就这样子， 又过了一个Thanksgiving。 今天下午从公司回来的时候，车上放着圣诞歌，还是我最喜欢Canon的版曲。 时间过得好快，很快又一年了。 我又成熟一岁了吗？ 还是像她们说的那样我很孩子气。

一篇我堂姐发在我comment上关于“我“的文章， 放上来跟大家一起思考。 就像文章中说的， 一切事， 物， 意识的关连皆从自我认知起始。 只有先参透了自己， 给予了明确的自我肯定， 对于事与物才会达到真实的了解， 对生命产生真正的意义。 可是真正能参透除了些佛陀, 释迦牟, 耶稣神人之外的又有几个？ 可能用尽了一生， 我们还是无法参透。 红姐， 你参透了没？


　　无论我们做什么事情，譬如，现在正在听开示，我们对于这个“我”、“我
是谁”以及“我什么样的人”，都有着某种感受。“我”的感觉强烈又直觉，我
们觉得的“我”，和其他所有东西分隔，独立存在。我们不会停下来想：这个“
我”是依身、心或是其他东西才存在。相反的，这个“我”看来巨大、实在、独
立。这种感觉一直跟随着我们，我们尽力执着这个观念。于是，“我”变得比其
他所有东西都更重要。这种把“我”的本质扭曲的倾向，形成主要的无明，使我
们陷在痛苦之中。

听到不友善的话，所引起的反应，显示自我意识带来的伤害效果。也许有人
指出我们的错误，责备、侮辱或批评我们。听见这种话，我们立刻变得沮丧或生
气。恶心立刻升起，觉得非常不舒服。当下这个“我见”，坚实得像艾弗勒斯山
一般庞大强硬。蟠踞在心中巨大的“我”，生出许多恶念，全部会引生痛苦。就
这样，把自己当做独立个体的无明，形成一切问题的来源。

我们用基本上同样扭曲的方式，看待、观察一切的人事物。我们抱着“我执”
与“自我意识”看待自己，在这种错误的观念下，对这个“我”非常执着。我们
认为“我的”身体，“我的”心灵，以及“我的”财产都是独立的、本来存在，
所以执着它们，许多恶业也由而滋生。同样，我们视所有现象是独立、本来存在，
所以认为有些事物非常美丽可爱，心中产生强烈的占有欲。不满足与不安全感，
促使我们追逐那些被假设是独立存在的事物，因此我们的苦有增无减。

不但是贪着，根本无明还产生瞋恨、傲慢以及其他的烦恼与痛苦。我们认为
自己、外界的事物以及其他人都是独立的个体，便以侵略、防备或是封闭的态度
对待一切人、事、物。我们贪着那些增加舒适的事物，而对打扰我们的事物感到
不愉快，而忽视那些既不提供帮助也不妨碍的人、事、物。我们把每个人都归类
成“朋友”、“敌人”或是“陌生人”，并且认为这些归类是真实存在。因此，
内心产生党派的大妄心。我们的态度被恶念所染，使我们的身、口、意行为，导
致了不好的业果，把我们更深陷在轮回苦之中。我们再度清楚的看见，所有苦厄
的根源来自对事物存在真相的无明。

It's hard to realized the fact sometime how materialistic and realistic people are in this world. Unless they really like you or can do them good, sux it up, nobody's gonna care about you and what you do. The evil has its deep root onto human's soul. Selfishness, Egoism, Moralness. It's just like everyone praying for the good deeds and worshiping for the good causes, but when it really comes to the true call, everyone shreds away. Everyone's bearing a fake mask.